Bread Crumbs In The Butter

It All Happened In Yew Nork

The Big Glee In NYC Weekend was this past weekend.

I'm going to need several posts to bring you up to speed.  One for New York City itself. One for Glee itself. One for the food we ate, cause people, the food? Delicious doesn't even cut it.  Food hasn't tasted the same in Canada and we have poutine here, so that says a lot! 

But first, I have to write a post I started formulating at about 8:29am on Friday morning.  You see, Christina picked me up at 6:45am with Jaime pinging with excitement in the passenger seat. From here we ventured to Barrhaven to down a few shots of Bailey's and then start the long trek down toward the city that never sleeps.

Have you experienced a long car ride with four giddy thirty-somethings with the mindsets of  teenagers as horny as those on their way to a Justin Bieber show? We were all about the innuendo and misconstruing everything that came out of our mouths.

Which is why I suggested we have a book on hand to record these little nuggets. You see, when I lived in residence our floor had a big board that we could write such things on. This wall was frequently visited and oft made readers laugh their asses off.

Lucky you, I decided to share some of the best ones from this trip.

For clarification, our cast of characters include myself, CH; Lianne, LEW; Jaime, JT; and Christina, CBH.

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CH:  "Lianne is chewing on her Starbucks Plug." (The little doohickey Starbucks designed to put in your cup hole so that you don't spill coffee all over yourself as you walk to your car. Ingenious really.)

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JT: "Lianne and Chantal, you guys are sleeping on a blow up bed." And you know, this isn't that funny, until you see the hand gesture Jaime does as she says "blow up bed".  I will let you work that out in your head rather than show you the drawing Lianne did in the book.

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LEW: "My son's hearing is in the normal range!"

CH: "WHAT!?" (In my defense, my ears popped as we hit the Catskills. In everyone elses defense, we may only have been in Brockville at this point.)

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CBH: "Big Ass, Big Hair." (Said in a highly appropriate Rosie O'Donnell in Beautiful Girls type rant.

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CBH: "Pull over and see if there is a bird in our grill!" We hit a bird. Did I need to explain that?

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CH: "Pigeon is the redneck chicken."  See above. We hit a pigeon in Utica and well, we saw some rednecks. 

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CBH: "I hope you don't mind me reaching between your legs to grab a piece." Lianne had Reese's Pieces between her legs, in a bag, from Bulk Barn. I just kept having to clarify there, didn't I?

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LEW:  "Utica smells like asparagus pee."

CH: "And is full of ugly people!"  No offense intended to any Uticans here. We just happened to hit Wendy's at the wrong time. 

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CH (about a tollbooth clerk): "Is that a man or a woman?"

CBH: "No boobies. Definitely a man."

CH: "Good call!"

CBH: "Did you say big cock?"

CH: "No, I said good call!"

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J: "It will be a while. We haven't even hit Florida yet."

All of us: "Florida?"

J: ''I mean YEW NORK!"  From that point on, we were in Yew Nork no matter where we were. 

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CH: "Knights In White Satin is my horny song." (For the record, Lovers In A Dangerous Time is Christina's)

LEW: "You mean by Gino Vanelli?"

CH: "No, dummy, by The Moody Blues!"

LEW: "What Does Gina Vanelli sing?"

CH: "Wild Horses?"

LEW: "Wild Horses, White Satin. Same thing."

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At Starbucks along the Interstate.

JH: "I'll have a Grande skinny vanilla skinny latte, please."

Barista: "Hawt?"

JH: "What?"

Barista: "Hawt?"

JH: "HUH?"

Barista (rather indignantly): "HAWT!?" 

Jaime looks over at Christina begging for help.

CBH: "Do you want it H.O.T. Hot?"

JH: "Oh! I thought she was asking if I wanted a HAT."

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CH: "If you look up 'redneck' in the phone book (phone book, really?), that's what you'd see!"

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Along the streets of Brooklyn.

CH: "I just stepped in something EPIC."

I still don't know what it was. My foot was wet. There was something on my foot and my shoe, but there was no puddle. I think it fell from the sky or materialized magically just before it splatted all over me. It was disgusting and puzzling. 

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CBH: "I got bird on my grill and coon in my undercarriage!"

We hit LOTS of wildlife as we drove. Actually, it was while Christina was driving, not anyone else. I think she's got it in for them. 

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The best experience of words by far didn't even belong to us.  It belonged to a girl on the streets of NYC, holding a cell phone to hear ear, wielding a very pregnant belly and a young child in a stroller.

She yelled into her cell phone "Watch yo fucking mouth! Your balls ain't black enough fo' me (expletive name). YO BALLS AIN'T BLACK ENOUGH."

 I was stunned. I was sure this was street theater. Turns out it's just NYC at 1am!

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Still to come, Glee, The Shopping and FOOD.

Really, really "Gone Glee"

Remember this?

Yeah, well, now we've really done it.

My amazing friend Christina was waiting for me outside my place of work Friday.  She's not a stalker, swear to God.  Even if she was, she's welcome to stalk my ass off with the kind of ideas she has.

She wanted to know, right then and there, if I would be free should she obtain tickets to see Glee Live in New York City in May.

I'm a level-headed wife.  This sort of thing would usually find me calling John to see if it was okay with him and if we had the money.  This Friday was not a day for level-headed wives.  It was a day for quick-thinking selfishness.   Cause I said yes on the spot.  I actually, I think I screamed yes on the spot.

And Christina?  Girlfriend made it happen. Just like that.  We have four tickets to see Glee at Radio City Freaking Music Hall on May 29. 

That picture that I took in November?  It's gonna look like a game of shuffleboard compared to what we have planned.

In which I got handslapped

Today, I called one of my BFFs to give her some great news (dude, I got a great new job in Canada Post!) and ended up being told.

"You've totally fallen of the wagon. You were supposed to post every day for a month. I click through every morning. You've missed two days!"

I honestly don't know how this woman's kids can ever disappoint her on purpose. Cause seriously my friends, if she ever gives you what-for you'll be an apologetic mess. 

"I just don't have anything to say!" I cried out in defense.

"So say that you don't have anything to say!" she told me. "But make it funny."

So yeah. No pressure.

I really don't have anything to say.  My kids are healthy. My job is good. John is looking all sorts of yummy lately.  What can I tell you?

I could tell you that there are days where if I see one more sweet old lady count out fifty-four pennies, I might drive my truck into the Mississippi River (we have one here in Almonte too.)

I could tell you that Alex is again not wearing underwear and I'm getting impatient.  I really hope he'll give them a try one day, but I doubt it.  He's digging his heals in here and it's stressing me out. You have to wear underwear!  It's like, a rule!

Or, how I got a load of the empty wine bottles in my pantry and was even the slightest bit embarrassed. I was actually quite proud to have sucked back that much vino on my own. It's like a Mom's version of a beer can divider wall.

How about that I bent my engagement ring at work? I showed John and he said "Aw, babe. That sucks. I should get you a new one!" and I yelled out "REALLY!?"  and he snorted and said "No, babe, not really."

As it happens, I could tell you so much more, but the Gleevas are on their way to watch Glee. I spent FIFTY BUCKS on junk food. It's gonna be a good time.

In Which We Debate (Another Glee Post)

In one of my recent posts, I let you know I was on my way to a friend's to Gleek my ass off.  It was fabulous.  We drank, we ate, we then watched Cougar Town and wondered together what sort of elixir Courtney Cox is drinking.

Anyhow, during the show, we had a dangerous almost all-out brawl round table discussion debating the balanced opinions of Finn vs Puck.  I thought it was worth bringing the discussion to you, dear internet.

Here are my views as of 4:41 pm Saturday (subject to change at 9:08pm on Wednesday).

As of now, both Puck and Finn have taken big chances and sung my two most favourite songs. It's almost as though the producers of Glee have some sort of futuristic chip in my brain that sends signals as to what will equally make me want to cry and turn me on.   When Puck sang Sweet Caroline, I held in a breath until I realized just how insanely hot he made that song.  He made me feel things Neil Diamond never did.

And this week, they had Finn singing "I'll Stand By You", a song I can't listen to without crying.  Okay, so singing to the sonogram was sort of lame, but all in all, the sentimental cheesiness had me a bit of a quiver, I gotta saw.

Puck has this raw, animal look to him. Like he'd rip you apart, in a very good way.  Cause guys, as much as chicks say they want a guy to look at them like they're sweet delicate flowers, what they really want is some hot ass guy in a mohawk to look at them like he wants to devour them.

But, Finn, oh Finn.  He has this adorable good boy, blushing baby face that makes me want to give him cookies and milk and then show him a thing or two about how to um ... make cookies.  At the same time, he's got some chiseled features that make him quite nicely manly.

For me, it's close in the end, but overall, Finn wins out.  It might be the height factor, as I don't think Puck is taller than I am.  And yes, when you're six feet tall, you go for the dude with the height advantage.  When it's that close, you have no choice!

Okay, so discuss ...