Bread Crumbs In The Butter

He Had It Coming

I can see the judge now.

"Mrs Hubert, how do you plead?"  He'll give me that stern look reserved for the worst offenders.

"Your Honour" I'll say. "I plead guilty, but I do have something to say in my defence!"

I hope he'll let me speak. I plan to bat my eyelashes and cry a bit. That gets me out of tickets, so it has to work on a murder charge, no?

"You see, Your Honour, on Sunday afternoon, May the sixteenth, I had a hankering for cherry pie. Not just a regular cherry pie, but one of those awesome Farmer's Market cherry pies. You know the ones? They cost a frigging fortune, but they're so good that I didn't care. I got one.  And well, you see, there was one piece left after my family ravaged it.  Just one piece!"

"And what did you do with that piece?" The judge will say.  At this point, my tears will be flowing freely and he'll be wondering where the hell I am going with this.

"I saved it in the fridge. I knew that Monday at work would be busy and awful, so I wanted to know that little slice of heaven was waiting for me in the fridge. It would make my day so much better."

At this point, the judge will get impatient with me. Let's face it, I'm stammering about pie.

"Mrs Hubert, what does this have to do with you bludgeoning your husband and burying him behind your barn?"

"Well, you see Your Honour Sir..." Right about now I will have mascara streaming down my face and hair so disheveled I will look pathetic. "At about noon John sent me a text message."

"Saying what?"  the judge will ask, curious and suspicious.

"That he had eaten the pie!"  Tears will flow, snot will bubble and my heart will break in agony. "But that's not the worst part! My husband, the father of my children and disposer of dead mice took a picture of the empty pie plate and then texted it to me"

My case will be dismissed you know.

What he did to me today was the very definition of justifiable homicide.

Things I Need Right Now; Edition 2

Did you know you can click through to my archives up there in the sidebar? For when I, you know, don't post for weeks at a time. There's some good stuff there. 2005 was a great year!

Anyhow, as I was reading and searching for any mention of my sister, I found a post I wrote at this time last year. It was titled "Things I Need Right Now".  I'm all about the "right now", so this is something I've decided to go with.  Kind of like me being all about "lazy" and having over forty editions of bullet posts. 

So, here you go!

• A self-cleaning oven that actual cleans itself when you hit the "self-cleaning" option. Right now, all I have is an oven that burns all of the shit inside to a crisp. That is not clean, it's just annoying. And smokey.
• For this knee pain to be gone. I can't run and I refuse to walk, because I'm a stubborn ass. So I just sit and whine or run and make it worse. It would be great if I could just listen to my doctor and do what he says, but we've already covered that "right now" thing, haven't we?
• A trip where someone brings me fancy drinks and I complain that I'm bored.
• My watch. I have no idea where it went. I miss it. It's the watch I've had the longest without losing - which is almost two years. 
• For J.R. Ward to hurry up and keep writing. I'm going through Brother withdrawl. (And for the record, I could use some Vishous right now too).
• A Skor bar.
• A new pair of Lululemon yoga pants. I got bleach on mine. I cried. It wasn't pretty.
• New soccer shorts. God, mine stink. Oh, while we're at it, new shin pads.

That's all I can think of for right now. Lucky you.

A Sister Thing

Did you know I have a sister?

I'm sure I've mentioned her at some point. We spent fifteen years living together, therefore a good portion of the early life I've written about includes her in some way.

Now that I think about it, fifteen years doesn't sound like very much. At almost thirty-five years old, I've now lived more years without my sister in the same house as I have with. That's quite odd considering we're blood and come from the same womb.

My sister, Kelly, is three years younger than I am. As we grew up, I thought we couldn't look more different. She is average height,  olive skinned with huge brown eyes and stunning auburn hair that is thick and awesomely straight.  I'm too tall, fair skinned and have blue eyes. My hair needs a good deal of expensive hair products to be as straight as I want it to be and I don't remember anyone ever calling Kelly "Big Ethel".  (I can thank our father for that nickname.)

Okay, this isn't a pity party. I'm sure there are things about me that my sister resents. If she were here she would tell you, cause if there's one thing Kelly does, it's tell you exactly what she's thinking.  So, I guess we're alike in one way.

My point is, other than those things, I can't really tell you much about my sister. Years ago, she moved to Edmonton, Alberta and while we talk often and I am in on the major details of her life, I really don't know her like I did when we lived under the same roof.

I definitely don't beat the snot out of her like I did when we lived under the same roof, but I digress.

That's all about to change.

In August, Kelly, her spouse and her two children will move back home. More specifically, my home.  We have a whole spare house here on our farm and they are going to rent it.  I cannot tell you how giddy I am. I am looking forward to getting to know her again.  We're both athletic so I have this grand idea that we can run together, play basketball together and I can introduce her to all of my sports crazy friends.  For example, she just called to tell me she had gone mountain biking for the first time and sensed an addiction. I was so giddily stunned that all I could stammer was "I cannot wait until you get here!"

Also, Kelly can drink beer like nobody's business, so that who's to say we won't indulge every once in a while? 

My sister has become someone I greatly admire and I can't wait to spend more time with her.  I did have to promise my mother not to set her on fire or try to down her in dishwater, but that was easy. I've grown a lot since I did that. It was the eighties. Everyone was crazy back then.