Bread Crumbs In The Butter

Veg-Out

I love food. Bad food. I've said before that I exercise and play so many sports so that I can eat whatever food I want.

About a year ago, I decided to clean up my diet to get the most of out of my workouts and increase my performance in soccer. I made a conscious effort to avoid prepared foods, read labels and not eat a whole bag of cookies in one sitting.  That said, getting the recommended daily intake of fruits and vegetables has always been a challenge for me.

I shy away from resolutions, but this year I made a big one - I was going to increase my fruit and vegetable count from basically non-existent (some days the most I was having were those dried strawberries in Special K Red Berries!) to five to ten a day.  Just like those kicky little Health Canada ads say.

So far, I have been so good. I make sure that I have a piece of fruit with breakfast and/or snack. I include vegetables in my lunch and afternoon snack.  I have even ground up carrots and spinach and put them in brownies. Let me tell you, this is not the stuff I used to add to brownies to make them special!

Now here's the part you might to avoid if you're faint of heart or easily grossed out.

The gas. Oh, the gas. My stomach is killing me and it's kind of off-putting to try to get your husband in the mood when you can clear a room.

Turns out, as I read in my latest issue of Oxygen, that you're supposed to increase your fiber intake gradually. Duh. The article actually made a whole lot of sense. Wish I had read it 5 weeks ago!

Bullety Edition 22; Missing The Show

• Wonder of wonders! I'm down four pounds. Believe it or not, that's good. That's pretty much all I wanted.  A very wise woman came to see me at work and later told me that of course the reason John lost faster is because he had way more body fat to lose. Next time she comes into the post office I will have to resist the urge to hump her madly. Instead, I'll just buy her a beer at our next beer night.

• I've pinpointed my recent negative body image to January. Yes, I go to the gym and I run, but I haven't played on a team since November. I thrive on team-play. It makes me feel more active, more athletic. I fear not. Spring training for soccer is coming soon. Summer is coming and that means soccer and ball hockey (a new venture for me this year). My team is gearing up for our adventure races and relay triathlons. Once I get that familiar feeling of a team high, I'll be more upbeat about the gigglier parts of my body.

• Last weekend, we secured tickets to see REO Speedwagon/Styx/Deff Leppard. Not my first choice, but it should be a lot of fun. We'll be singing Linkin' Park in February. Sadly though, after some Ticketmaster browsing, I discovered that Chris Rock is performing in Toronto in March. The only tickets I could find were for the 10pm Friday show on Ebay. To the tune of $225 for awful seats! There was no convincing John - even if he would love to see Chris Rock perform. Maybe I'll just pop in a DVD, sit way back from my TV and turn up the volume real loud. That should be the same, right?

• I've been going book crazy lately. I don't think I could all of the books on my bedside table right now. Let me just say The Year Of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs is fantastic. While at Carleton, I set out to write a paper on the relevance of the Bible. I did about fifteen minutes of research and decided the subject was just too meaty for a small paper and I gave up. This book is insanely interesting and it will make you laugh. Trust me.

Image

I've been having a few body image issues lately. Which is new to me. I've always been okay with how I look. This is nothing too serious. Just a bit of jealousy, age induced metabolic slowdown and reconciling the fact that I can't eat like I did at 20 and expect to be a size 8.

Jealousy because, as I said before, John just had to cut down his before bed meal and he's lost 14 pounds. I know I shouldn't watch him step off the scale with glee and want to stab him, but I can't help it. I've really stepped up my running. I've challenged my body. I've lifted weights (and I hate to lift weights!).  Still. I'm stuck.

I'm tweaking my diet. I kept a chart for a week and monitored my food intake. The amount I eat isn't the issue, but it's clear that I have a serious problem when it comes to eating fruits and vegetables. I like them fine, I just don't push myself to eat them. This week I'm challenging myself to put more into my diet. I'll eat an apple with my afternoon granola bar. I'll put raspberries in my yogurt. I'll drink more of that insanely deliciouis Bolthouse Farms Banana Strawberry Smoothie.

Having said all this, when you get right down to it, I just have to get back to the place I was before. Yes, there are scars from four pregnancies with four above-average to monstrously sized children. Yes, I have natural curves and will never be stick-thin. Yes, I have an ass and yes, I have boobs. I like both of them.

I was wondering how to make myself feel better, and besides continuing on this same course, the only thing I can do is to be honest. To spell it out for anyone who will listen.

I am 6 feet tall. I weigh 174 lb. I have great hair. It's thick and, thanks to some awesome highlights, has great colour. I have nice blue eyes and full lips. There's a mole on my face that I once considered removing, but changed my mind at the last minute. It's part of me. I have long legs and they're muscular. They take to running very well and never let me down.

That's the good stuff - the stuff about my body that makes me feel good, active and womanly.  Sure, there are parts that I don't like. Stretch marks. Ugly feet (like, really ugly). One of my eyes is lower than the other (you probably haven't noticed, but it is very Paris Hilton-ish to me).  But I'm going to try to stop focusing on the not so good and remember the things that I like.

Now, here's where you come in. Tell me 3, that's it, just 3, things you like about yourself.

Linkaversary!

Almost four years ago, I hit the "join" button on the Typepad main page and joined the ranks of people who pay to write the most intimate details of their lives for the whole world to see.

Quite often, I'm asked why I blog. My answer is a big fat honest "I don't know".  I really don't know why.

There was a summer (June and July 2006) where I blogged as a release and a bit of therapy.

There were a few months where I obsessed about selling our beloved house in the suburbs and moving to a farm in the middle of nowhere.

I turned thirty and marked the occasion by once again voluntarily having someone permanently scar me.

I was recognized by Typepad and named a Featured Blogger. (Seriously, when I feel low about myself, I go back and read what the editors said about me.)

I wrote one particular post that still makes me cry when I read it.

I wrote one that still makes me laugh out loud when I read it.

My most highly commented posts really had nothing to do with me at all.  They were about Alex and John.

All this to say that I like to write, I like attention, I love validation and I love to hear how fantastic people think I am.

I also like to read other fantastic people.

I first discovered blogging through many of my friends Livejournal pages, but soon branched out and saw a whole world of ridiculously talented writers.  People were blogging about food, life and anything and everything!  The first time I commented on a blog was about cloth diapers off all things, thanks to the very awesome Very Mom, who now goes by Kerflop.  The first major blogger I read was, of course, dooce, who I don't read as much anymore, but she's like an awesome duvet - it just fits when you get back in.  Slowly, by getting in deeper and deeper, I started to read less recognized, but totally worthy writers. I became a better writer by reading them.

I set out out to read more local blogs and made some new friends. That's a bonus. Even if I still haven't had the pleasure to meet my girl crush or my girl obsession yet.  (See how serious I am about these people, I didn't have to look up any of their URLs!).

So there you have it. Quite a few years of testing the boundaries of what is okay to share on the internet and so far, keeping my pact to a) never discuss my job here or b) never discussing friends who don't know I blog here.  Of course, the friend part pretty much amounts to nobody since I started blabbing about it last year, but I still won't blog about them. Except to say hi to my Mom and Dad. 

What her smile hides

Today, my nine year old daughter told me she doesn't have any real friends.

It stemmed from a conversation we all had in the truck on Monday night.  Meghan had asked me who my best friend was and she went from me to everyone else in the family.  When she got to Erin I could feel her shoulders slump from the front seat.  I knew the answer and I felt awfully for her.

She couldn't answer. She had no one.

At school, she has constant companions, but many of them have been together since kindergarten while we arrived just a couple of years ago.  She admires many of them, but so far, none of them have been that fit she has been looking for.  None of them are the ones she can't wait to talk to when she gets home or the ones she is desperate to see in the morning.

I realize she's a bit shy and stand-offish, but in her defense, a couple of girls haven't exactly been nice to her since she arrived at this new school.  In fact, we've recently had to have the school administration involved.  The girl in question is less of an issue now, but the scars left on Erin's pesonality run deep.  She is terrified of putting herself out there.

Have you met my daughter?

Of our four, I can tell you with a good deal of certainty that she has the most heart. She feels with the most intensity.  You can almost feel her love for you as she hugs you. She is always the first one to offer to help, the first one to try to cheer you up.  I know that everyone in her class likes her.  Her teacher has told me she would love to take her home. She's amazing at any sport she tries and she's fiercely loyal to any team she's involved in. She expects a lot from people and can is usually incredibly dissappointed when they don't live up.

The issue isn't necessarily with others. The offers of true friendship are there, but she's afraid.  I don't know how to help her. Making friends has always been sort of easy for me. This is a territory that her father understands, yet his response, having been there and not wanting her to suffer the same fate, is to just fake it until she feels it.  Not exactly the best advice.

I want to think of ways to boost her confidence, but I feel like we're doing all we can.  She is praised. She is loved. She is reminded how amazing she is.  Short of standing in her school yard and monitoring each interaction she experiences, I'm lost.

Bullety, Edition 2; Guys and Girls Are Not The Same

• I think I made some mean joke or called John "Fat Man" on New Year's Eve. Because of that he decided to go on a diet. "Diet" to John just means cut out one of his six daily meals and not drinking as much beer. Today is January 13 and he's dropped 12 lb.  Good for him, right? Screw that!  I work my ass off year round and I can't lose 2 lb. In fact, I've gained 4 lb since Friday. Asshat.

• I watched an episode of Raid The North Extreme last night and I am now so pumped for this year's triathlon and adventure race season I can barely stand it.  Granted, I have zero desire (or confidence in myself) to race for six days and hallucinate about men selling hot dogs on the side of the road, but you all remember how much fun I had last year, yes? Can't. Wait. While running today I was yelling over my iPod to one of my teammates how excited I am. 

• I keep forgetting to mention that Meg is on some new asthma medications. After two weeks on Advair and Singulair, we have not had one cough out of that kid.  She had a cold this week and she was like a different child. I think this is the first time in four years, that she hasn't had to go to the ER for any sort of breathing treatment when's she had just a regular cold. From October to April, Meg usually coughs non-stop. She doesn't sleep well, she gets bags under hear eyes and this weird rash around her lips. I can't tell you what this means - she feels great and she knows it.

• Is there something wrong with me that I really like the name Harlow? I have to give Nicole Ritchie a bit of credit here. It's actually quite a fetching name. I've been acting all sorts of weird lately. First I started running to Britney, brilliant trainwreck that she is. Now I'm starting to think Nicole Ritchie is interesting, in a good way. Though, If I start to mention I want to buy Paris Hilton's new fragrance you have my permission to kick me in the ass.

Not a romantic

I blame it on Mark Ruffalo.

Lately, everytime I watch a movie this adorable man is grabbing some glowingly vivacious woman and planting the most awesome looking kiss on her. It's the classic tale. Boy meets girl. Boy has uncomfortable heat with girl (that is surely attraction but they don't know it yet).  Boy fights with girl. Boy acts like an ass. Boy realizes what he did. Boy demonstrates some drastic display of affection. Boy scoops girl up and gives her a kiss so dreamy I'm left speechless and looking around the room thinking "This is it?".

I'm not even that romantic. In fact, I usually scoff at romance and most rash displays of affection.

So why is it that I see one of these movies and suddenly want to be kissed like a fool on Valentine's Day?

It's genius. Producers and writers are counting on the wanderlust and sentimentality of your average 18-35 year old woman. They know we'll flock to see what we could have.

Unless you do have that?

I don't know what's wrong with me lately.  What grand gesture I'm expecting. Why I'm hoping to be swept into manly arms and forcefully kissed.  Is it because the most I get some days is "Should I go shower so we can do it? Or go back to changing the oil in your truck."?  Or is it because some days I'm more excited that he's changing the oil in my truck!? In fact, if my husband was to behave the way some of these characters do, I'd probably laugh at him. He can't win.

Really though, I'm happy with the sweet gesture of a coffee maker with a timer.  I'm happy with gas in my truck. I'm happy with him doing my laundry, even if he did shrink most of my clothes.

Still, a little Mark Ruffalo wouldn't be so bad every now and again though, right?

Bullety, Edition 20; Stuff you can buy at Shopper's at midnight on a Sunday

• I'm sick. There is so much snot in my face that it's coming out of my eyes. I kid you not. At work yesterday people kept asking why I was crying. When I told them it wasn't tears, it was mucuous, they barfed on my shoes and then ran.  A run of the mill bad cold has once again turned into a sinus infection. I'm a wee bit puffy. So much so, John has started calling me "Stay Puffed". Bastard. Thank you to the person who created Advil Cold & Sinus. NyQuil has the giant fucking Q, but it don't make me sleep like that stuff does.

• I love pharmacies. Seriously. Beauty products, medications, stuff to keep you clean and gossip magazines all in once place is my happy place. I buy a tonne of beauty products. Facial creams, lip glosses, various waxes and other painful depilatories. Thing is, I rarely, actually never, finish what I buy. They usually gather dust on the counter in the bathroom - the one John bitches that he can only fit his razor on (his toothbrush is in the closet)...

• However! (See, I'm excited!).  This week, I finished not one but two rashly purchased beauty products.  The first was the Garnier Nutri-Pure Microbead Cream Scrub which I use in the shower in the morning.  It really does what it says it does. Have you noticed my glowing skin lately?  I thought you had. 

• The second product was actually a two in one. I used two entire bottles of Sunsilk Hairapy products. If asked, I would say my hair is probably my favourite feature.  It's thick, has a nice colour and can maintain a bunch of styles. On the other hand, it can be dry and frizzy. I tried the Hydra TLC and the Straighten Up 24/7 Cremes. Awesome.

• Last, I haven't taken my tree down yet. I'll get it done this weekend, but I'm so over Christmas I can't bring myself to get it done.  I haven't watered it since New Year's Eve and it's basically timber at this point.  I'm sure if Alex farted next to it it would light up in flames. The suckiest part of it is that it's about 12 feet tall and 5 feet wide. It's a monster. This is going to bite hard.

Look Back

Right around this time of year, John goes through his usual list of all the bad things that happened to us in the last twelve months. Being a bit of a natural pessimisst, the year he's referring to is always pronounced as "our toughest year yet." (This is, of course, forgetting the year his mother died or the year we lived in a tiny sweathole apartment, worked four jobs each and both went to school full time.)

I usually smile and nod and remark that I too can't believe we made it through such a year.  This year though, I had had it.

"Stop that! This year hasn't been so bad.  Neither was the one before it.  When you think about it, we're pretty damn lucky to have what we have.  Name me one good thing that happened this year!"

... and he did it. Reluctantly at first, but once I started throwing things out there, he came around and started to get really excited about the good things that had happened this year.

Which is what inspired me to break it all down.  The good and the bad. 

The not so good is pretty self-explanatory.  In February of this year, Alex was in CHEO for 6 days, receiving and IVIG transfer for Kawasaki Disease.  There were some issues with John's business. We were audited.  Reunion and Studio 60 were cancelled before I found out how each show would resolve. Sure, some things sucked.

On the other hand ... Alex not only came through just fine from Kawasaki Disease, he has no lingering issues because of it. Gossip Girl has filled the space in my life that 90210 reruns were trying valiantly to fill, but just weren't cutting it anymore. I got an awesome job with Canada Post and I'm enjoying working outside the home. John is spending a lot more time with the kids and helping around the house.  John is also employing the best group of people we've ever had. I think things have been pretty effortless for a few months now and we're just moving along.

So, I want 2008 to continue where 2007 has left off.  Except, I still want to aim to drink more water, not bite my nails and pay less attention to Britney Spears getting her frappucinos and beating down he paparazzi.  Okay, I probably can't live up to that last one, but you get the idea.