Bread Crumbs In The Butter

Not Yet

This post was written in July of 2006 about Kristyn.  I'm happy to say that over a year later, even though she's been told, that I can still describe most of her as "not ready yet".

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Kristyn was sick last week. For two days she spent most of the daytime hours in our bed watching TV and sleeping.   I went in one afternoon and her almost ten year old brow was a little sweaty, so her hair was off her face.  In one fleeting moment, I saw her as an infant again.  The lighting outside and the heat from the windows reminded me of her first summer.  When she and I were alone all day long in that blazing hot condo on Hunt Club Road.  We used to nap together during those days.  We'd snuggle into bed and sweat our way into a hazy sleep.

I couldn't resist getting into bed with her so I snuggled in and she woke up.  We lay there for a bit and I was stunned that her feet were nipping at my ankles.  What happened to the days when her chubby little feet poked me in the stomach? 

"You're so grown up now, baby."  I said. "I can't believe how big you've gotten.  We used to sleep like this all the time and your feet barely reached my tummy."

"We used to nap together?"  She said

"Oh yeah. It was my favourite part of the day."

"We have a picture somewhere of Erin and Daddy napping. Remember that?  I think Erin was sick and so was Daddy."

I thought about it for a second and remembered the photo she was talking about.

"Oh right. Erin was sick, but Daddy was sleeping because he had just had the vasectomy."

The words came out before I had a chance to think about them.  To process that Kristyn had no idea what a vasectomy was!

"What's that?"  Of course she asked.

"Well, it's a procedure, kind of like surgery, to make sure that we don't have anymore babies."  I was  honest.  Lying about stuff like that is not going to get us anywhere.

"But Mommy, how does Daddy having something done make you not have anymore babies?"

Then I ran into the kitchen to get a paper bag and a shot of vodka.

Okay, seriously...

"Because Daddy is the one who makes Mommy pregnant."

"How?  You mean through sex?"  She sort of stumbled on the word sex, like she wasn't sure if it was a bad word or not.

"Yes. Do you know what sex is?"

She thought again, I could tell she wasn't anymore sure if we should go there than I was. 

When she finally spoke she said "Sort of." 

"Okay.  Do you want me to tell you all about it?"

I could see the wheels spinning in her head.  I resigned myself right there to be ready to tell her.  Not to fumble.  Not to seem unsure.  To be factual and honest.

The look was there again. She was an infant.   Her sweet face very curious, as always.  She's hungry for information, but she's not in a hurry.  She is patient and knows that sometimes you have to take it slow.  She gets that from her father.  If it was me, or Erin or Meghan, we would be jumping on the bed yelling "Tell me. Tell me!"

I think she decided she knew enough for now.  That she wasn't quite ready to hear this and go beyond a point where she couldn't unlearn it.  To her, knowing everything would change her life forever and for now, she wanted to remain a kid.

So she looked at me and said, very quietly,  "No. Not yet."

So yeah. One day. But not yet. I'm cool with that.

Kristyn was sick last week. For two days she spent most of the daytime hours in our bed watching TV and sleeping.   I went in one afternoon and her almost ten year old brow was a little sweaty, so her hair was off her face.  In one fleeting moment, I saw her as an infant again.  The lighting outside and the heat from the windows reminded me of her first summer.  When she and I were alone all day long in that blazing hot condo on Hunt Club Road.  We used to nap together during those days.  We'd snuggle into bed and sweat our way into a hazy sleep.

I couldn't resist getting into bed with her so I snuggled in and she woke up.  We lay there for a bit and I was stunned that her feet were nipping at my ankles.  What happened to the days when her chubby little feet poked me in the stomach? 

"You're so grown up now, baby."  I said. "I can't believe how big you've gotten.  We used to sleep like this all the time and your feet barely reached my tummy."

"We used to nap together?"  She said

"Oh yeah. It was my favourite part of the day."

"We have a picture somewhere of Erin and Daddy napping. Remember that?  I think Erin was sick and so was Daddy."

I thought about it for a second and remembered the photo she was talking about.

"Oh right. Erin was sick, but Daddy was sleeping because he had just had the vasectomy."

The words came out before I had a chance to think about them.  To process that Kristyn had no idea what a vasectomy was!

"What's that?"  Of course she asked.

"Well, it's a procedure, kind of like surgery, to make sure that we don't have anymore babies."  I was  honest.  Lying about stuff like that is not going to get us anywhere.

"But Mommy, how does Daddy having something done make you not have anymore babies?"

Then I ran into the kitchen to get a paper bag and a shot of vodka.

Okay, seriously...

"Because Daddy is the one who makes Mommy pregnant."

"How?  You mean through sex?"  She sort of stumbled on the word sex, like she wasn't sure if it was a bad word or not.

"Yes. Do you know what sex is?"

She thought again, I could tell she wasn't anymore sure if we should go there than I was. 

When she finally spoke she said "Sort of." 

"Okay.  Do you want me to tell you all about it?"

I could see the wheels spinning in her head.  I resigned myself right there to be ready to tell her.  Not to fumble.  Not to seem unsure.  To be factual and honest.

The look was there again. She was an infant.   Her sweet face very curious, as always.  She's hungry for information, but she's not in a hurry.  She is patient and knows that sometimes you have to take it slow.  She gets that from her father.  If it was me, or Erin or Meghan, we would be jumping on the bed yelling "Tell me. Tell me!"

I think she decided she knew enough for now.  That she wasn't quite ready to hear this and go beyond a point where she couldn't unlearn it.  To her, knowing everything would change her life forever and for now, she wanted to remain a kid.

So she looked at me and said, very quietly,  "No. Not yet."

So yeah. One day. But not yet. I'm cool with that.

Calm Down

You just can't get any better than this right now.

Do you ever catch yourself saying "When things calm down" to other people? 

"We'll get together when things calm down."

"I'll organize those photos when things calm down."

Last June I realized that I had been saying that for the last few years.  Every weeknight, every weekend and every minute of every hour we had was booked up. Solid.  I told myself it was because my brain couldn't function without being busy, but the truth was, I just didn't know how to say no. I was so focused on giving my kids all of the things I never had, that I wasn't giving myself anything in return.

We scaled it back this year.

We're still busy and the kids are still active, but there's more time for everyone.  Our new rule to live by is "No activities on the weekend" - especially Saturday or Sunday morning.  I am at work for 7am every day. Sleeping in until at least 8am has become sacred.  We putter around the house, go shopping and play board games.  John and I have started to book sitters (mostly my Dad/Stepmom or my Mom) and are spending Saturday nights hooking up with friends. We're having fun. Together, but separately too.  I'm still running and playing soccer. He's still hunting and playing hockey.

I feel so ridiculously well-rounded right now, I could burst.

Bullety, Edition 17; Mount Parcel

I'm emerging from Mount Parcel at the Post Office (holy crap Almonte, can you people shop!) to post a small update.

• Tuesday of this week was the first day that all four kids were at school for ten days.  Poor John was looking sort of haggard after dealing with sick kids all day. As I said to him; "Welcome to my last ten years!".  The ordeal ended with one case of bronchitis (Alex), one case of strep throat (Kristyn), an asthma attack at 5am (Meghan) and just a plain old cold (Erin). It was fun times 'round these parts.

• We're still enjoying our little groove.  Work is going well. I love my job. Erin has started waking up earlier in the morning to have breakfast with me, easing her rough transition.  I'm still finding time to run and go to the gym, even though my feet ache, but no one wants to live with me if I don't get a chance to run.

• I've started my Christmas shopping earlier than ever, but finding the time in the next six weeks might be tricky.  Kristyn and Erin have decided to chance it and break our "No live animal request" rule, but we might oblige.  They want hampsters.  I think they're old enough to handle a good bulk of their care, no?  Other than that, the toy love here seems to be going toward The Littlest Pet Shop Paws Off Diary (Erin), more Webkinz (Meghan), a massive art set (Kristyn) and his very own digital camera (Alex).  What are your kids drooling over?

• Christmas is a slight bit overshadowed here by the fact that Kristyn's birthday is in December.  In a few weeks, I will have an eleven year old - who is in grade six. I think I slept through a good portion of the last five of those years because I still have to fight the urge to say she's seven. She lost a molar this morning. A molar! She wants a purple iPod shuffle and I'm gonna get it for her.  She's a huge help to this family and her siblings.   

The Diary Of An ADD Mom (Recycled)

I feel good about posting old stuff.  I don't feel at all ashamed or guilty or lazy.

This post is from May 2006 (the link to the old post is the title).  I'll have you know that I do in fact have ADD, I'm not making fun. Still, so many related to this one it made me feel sorta normal.

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The Diary of an ADD Mom.

I woke up this morning and poured myself a cup of coffee. I was reminded to take pork chops out of the freezer for dinner.

"Yup, as soon as I get the girls on the bus."

I walked the girls to the bus stop and went for a light run.  Came in and sat down to read my email and drink another cup of coffee. Surfed some blogs while Alex and Meg chilled out on the couch.  Realized I had forgotten to take out the pork chops. It was time to get up and be domestic anyhow.

"9:00 am" I said. "Let's get active for a bit."  and I turned off the TV.

Alex and Meg started to fingerpaint on the deck, I loaded up the dishwasher and cleaned the counter. Looked down at the frying pan in the sink and remembered the pork chops again. I went into the laundry room (where the freezer is) and saw the big pile of towels to wash and go out on the line. Got them in the washing machine and realized the floor needed to be swept.  Did that and then walked into the kitchen where I realized, again, that the pork chops were still in the freezer. I turned around to go back when Meg yelled out "Can we go water the flowers outside!?"

"Sure!" Let's go.

They both got totally soaked as I weeded and watered.  I remembered the pork chops again and went to walk into the laundry room (where the freezer is) through the garage.  Saw my truck and remembered that it really needed to be vaccumed.  Went to get the vac hose from the cupboard and Alex yelled out "Mommy! SPRINKLER!?"

"Good idea, Buddy. Let's go get your bathing suits."  While doing that, I argued with Meg over which swimsuit she should wear.  Not that it mattered, in the backyard, surrounded by fields and a barn.

I went to get a basket of laundry to fold on the deck while they frollicked and realized that I had to pee and I still hadn't taken out the pork chops.  I did my thing, forgot the basket of laundry and went through the laundry room (where the freezer is) and sailed right by to the door to the back deck. The cordless phone was in my hand and it rang.  Chatted with Suzanne for a bit, realizing about ten times while talking to her that I had yet to take out the pork chops.

I got off the phone, the kids moved inside. We had yoghurt for a snack.  I unloaded the dishwasher and then loaded it again - remembering one more time that the pork chops were still in the freezer. Looked on the counter and saw that I had yet to go through the permission forms for the girls end of year trips. So I did that and checked my email again.  While I checked my email John called, saying he was in Ottawa and was there anything I needed him to get for dinner. "No, but crap, the pork chops are still in the freezer! I'll talk to you later".

I got up, saw the coaches match reports for Kristyn's game on Thursday and decided to fill in the player's names.  Sat down to input them here and remembered, again, the pork chops.

It's 11:15am now and I am about to get up to take the freaking things out of the freezer.  Odds are pretty good we're having pizza tonight.

I woke up this morning and poured myself a cup of coffee. I was reminded to take pork chops out of the freezer for dinner.

"Yup, as soon as I get the girls on the bus."

I walked the girls to the bus stop and went for a light run.  Came in and sat down to read my email and drink another cup of coffee. Surfed some blogs while Alex and Meg chilled out on the couch.  Realized I had forgotten to take out the pork chops. It was time to get up and be domestic anyhow.

"9:00 am" I said. "Let's get active for a bit."  and I turned off the TV.

Alex and Meg started to fingerpaint on the deck, I loaded up the dishwasher and cleaned the counter. Looked down at the frying pan in the sink and remembered the pork chops again. I went into the laundry room (where the freezer is) and saw the big pile of towels to wash and go out on the line. Got them in the washing machine and realized the floor needed to be swept.  Did that and then walked into the kitchen where I realized, again, that the pork chops were still in the freezer. I turned around to go back when Meg yelled out "Can we go water the flowers outside!?"

"Sure!" Let's go.

They both got totally soaked as I weeded and watered.  I remembered the pork chops again and went to walk into the laundry room (where the freezer is) through the garage.  Saw my truck and remembered that it really needed to be vaccumed.  Went to get the vac hose from the cupboard and Alex yelled out "Mommy! SPRINKLER!?"

"Good idea, Buddy. Let's go get your bathing suits."  While doing that, I argued with Meg over which swimsuit she should wear.  Not that it mattered, in the backyard, surrounded by fields and a barn.

I went to get a basket of laundry to fold on the deck while they frollicked and realized that I had to pee and I still hadn't taken out the pork chops.  I did my thing, forgot the basket of laundry and went through the laundry room (where the freezer is) and sailed right by to the door to the back deck. The cordless phone was in my hand and it rang.  Chatted with Suzanne for a bit, realizing about ten times while talking to her that I had yet to take out the pork chops.

I got off the phone, the kids moved inside. We had yoghurt for a snack.  I unloaded the dishwasher and then loaded it again - remembering one more time that the pork chops were still in the freezer. Looked on the counter and saw that I had yet to go through the permission forms for the girls end of year trips. So I did that and checked my email again.  While I checked my email John called, saying he was in Ottawa and was there anything I needed him to get for dinner. "No, but crap, the pork chops are still in the freezer! I'll talk to you later".

I got up, saw the coaches match reports for Kristyn's game on Thursday and decided to fill in the player's names.  Sat down to input them here and remembered, again, the pork chops.

It's 11:15am now and I am about to get up to take the freaking things out of the freezer.  Odds are pretty good we're having pizza tonight.

A new normal

When Kristyn was a few weeks old, we braved the cold and Christmas rush to visit her new pediatrician.  I had already met him, as he had been John's own pediatrician and we had sort of "interviewed" him before.  I liked him a lot. Still do.

After proclaiming that Kristyn was a perfect and healthy baby (and yes, the most beautiful baby he ever did see), he asked me if I had any questions or concerns.

"No. Not really. Things are going well for the most part"  I said. "I'm still sort of waiting for things to get back to normal though."

"Normal?" he answered. "I'm afraid things will never be normal again - at least not the normal you're talking about.  Your old life is gone, but a new normal will come."

A new normal.

Since I started working full time (and I mean full time), I've been repeated those words in my head like I did after each child was born into this family.  I've been waiting for it to stop feeling impossibly tiring and amazingly daunting. I wanted to hit that groove and get to the point that I would look upon my life and say that everything was now normal.

I think we've gotten there.

This is good.  I'm no longer feeling insanely tired at the end of my day.  I don't see every dirty nook and cranny of this house and feel like a failure. Weekends have become sacred. Time to relax and clean and spend time together.  We often get a sitter Saturday night and head out for a bit of mayhem and fun.

Not to mention that getting paid is incredibly satisfying.

The thing is, I'm sort of zapped.  I long to regale you with tales of my stressful life and pepper you with funny kid tales, but at present, I'm finding myself really uninspired.

When I started writing my life down over 4 years ago, I didn't give it a shelf life.  I've often been asked how I can put it all down for the world to see and when I plan to stop.  I don't think I'm planning on stopping, but I'm starting to wonder if it's all been said?

This blog has always been my own little world.  Comments and readers have been grateful bonuses.  I've mostly just wanted to stretch my imagination and recapture the love I've always had for writing.  Going through slumps were just slumps and I avoided specifically addressing them.  I figured I would just post when I felt like it and just be happy if two people read what I had to say.

All of you out there. You have validated me and inspired me. I've written and rewritten posts with you in mind. I've also just sat down and written raw and unedited pieces, where I've decided to forget anyone was reading and just write for me.  Through these hundreds of posts I've found therapy and come to terms with a lot of details about my life.  I am a better mother, wife and friend because of this small space.

This is not goodbye, I think I've got too much to say.  This is just a bit of letting go.  I am planning, over the next couple of weeks, to post some stuff from the early days and from one summer where I felt like I was really putting down something wonderful.  I hope you enjoy it.