Bread Crumbs In The Butter

A twister! A twister!

It's been about 6,000 degrees celcius here in Ottawa for the last few days. Okay, more like 36C with the humidex. It had to break soon and severe thunderstorms were called for our area.

Around 4:30, the kids were running the sprinkler when we noticed some dark clouds and really loud thunder headed our way. Frightened, they all wanted to go in, so we did.  Alex was freaking out because he had left his t-shirt on the grass. I ran out to get it and looked out into our back field. The wind was insane and the rain was like a sheet headed toward us. Just above the trees I could see something - I still can't describe it. It wasn't round like you see on TV. More like a wall of yard waste and wind.

I ran back in and told the kids to sit in the hall by the bedrooms. John was in our room and I ran in and yelled  "I think there's a tornado coming!" and he didn't believe me.  So I pulled open the vertical blinds (we have a patio door leading to our deck from our room too) and yelled "Then what the fuck is that!?"

"Everyone downstairs into the basement!" John yelled.

Well, living in a "rambler" (a bungalow that takes about ten minutes to get from one end to the other), we reached the basement steps just in time to see it going right over us.  I could see our tent arbour, which was screw nailed into the deck, blowing up. Lauren said she saw one once and it was like going through a car wash. Best description ever.

When we heard that everything had stopped, we came back up.

To this:

Last year, John and I needed couples therapy putting that thing together!

Where's the top you ask?

Why, it's in front of the house!

See the wash out? That's from about 2 minutes of rain.

John's Dad and Uncle were in the barn when it happened and not one drop of rain fell on them. They said they saw the arbour top fly over the house after it went through. It just sort of spit it out.

Not much else was damaged. You can see a clear path where the little weather system went through. All of the grass and flowers lean that way.  Almonte saw no rain during that time and we live 7km out of town.

Freaking cool. Freaking scary!

The Diary of an ADD Mom.

I woke up this morning and poured myself a cup of coffee. I was reminded to take pork chops out of the freezer for dinner.

"Yup, as soon as I get the girls on the bus."

I walked the girls to the bus stop and went for a light run.  Came in and sat down to read my email and drink another cup of coffee. Surfed some blogs while Alex and Meg chilled out on the couch.  Realized I had forgotten to take out the pork chops. It was time to get up and be domestic anyhow.

"9:00 am" I said. "Let's get active for a bit."  and I turned off the TV.

Alex and Meg started to fingerpaint on the deck, I loaded up the dishwasher and cleaned the counter. Looked down at the frying pan in the sink and remembered the pork chops again. I went into the laundry room (where the freezer is) and saw the big pile of towels to wash and go out on the line. Got them in the washing machine and realized the floor needed to be swept.  Did that and then walked into the kitchen where I realized, again, that the pork chops were still in the freezer. I turned around to go back when Meg yelled out "Can we go water the flowers outside!?"

"Sure!" Let's go.

They both got totally soaked as I weeded and watered.  I remembered the pork chops again and went to walk into the laundry room (where the freezer is) through the garage.  Saw my truck and remembered that it really needed to be vaccumed.  Went to get the vac hose from the cupboard and Alex yelled out "Mommy! SPRINKLER!?"

"Good idea, Buddy. Let's go get your bathing suits."  While doing that, I argued with Meg over which swimsuit she should wear.  Not that it mattered, in the backyard, surrounded by fields and a barn.

I went to get a basket of laundry to fold on the deck while they frollicked and realized that I had to pee and I still hadn't taken out the pork chops.  I did my thing, forgot the basket of laundry and went through the laundry room (where the freezer is) and sailed right by to the door to the back deck. The cordless phone was in my hand and it rang.  Chatted with Suzanne for a bit, realizing about ten times while talking to her that I had yet to take out the pork chops.

I got off the phone, the kids moved inside. We had yoghurt for a snack.  I unloaded the dishwasher and then loaded it again - remembering one more time that the pork chops were still in the freezer. Looked on the counter and saw that I had yet to go through the permission forms for the girls end of year trips. So I did that and checked my email again.  While I checked my email John called, saying he was in Ottawa and was there anything I needed him to get for dinner. "No, but crap, the pork chops are still in the freezer! I'll talk to you later".

I got up, saw the coaches match reports for Kristyn's game on Thursday and decided to fill in the player's names.  Sat down to input them here and remembered, again, the pork chops.

It's 11:15am now and I am about to get up to take the freaking things out of the freezer.  Odds are pretty good we're having pizza tonight.

Things a Mom should never do in the days before she gets sick (and when she does get sick too)

• She should never say things like "Everyone asleep and no one is coughing."  She will be proven an asshole. It will be the worst night yet.
• She should never assume that one more kid couldn't possibly get sick. Just when you think the three sick ones are over their worst, the fourth will get sick and the first one to get sick in the first place will revert back to coughing up internal organs at 2am.
• She should never resist going to the local podunk ER for the 5th time in 10 days.  The nurse there, who now knows her by name will give her a big hug and let her cry.
• She should never utter the words "Can we get more meds in this fridge please!?"  Oh yes, you can.

And one Mom finally does get sick:

• She should never continually deny she is sick. Give in. You'll get better faster.
• She should never assume she can just stop.  Soccer practices have to go on. Soccer parties have to go on, in your house (look cheerful!).  10K runs will take place (didn't do it). First outdoor games of the season will take place (did it. rocked it. we won.)
• She should never not take DayQuil before going out in the hot sun to garden. She should never garden in the first place (stubborn bitch!).
• She should never again whine about her 9.5 year old daughter who says things like "Mommy. You go to bed. I will watch the kids while you sleep."  I slept like the dead for hours yesterday afternoon.

This is the best I could come up with today. 

We have to get better soon, right?

Reality TV Bliss

The kids are all asleep.

So far, no one is coughing.

I have a beer on the table next to me. Cold and inviting.

I have the E! True Hollywood Story of America's Next Top Model ready to go on the PVR.

This is fucking spectacular.

One, Two, Three, Four, FIVE!

My fast-talking, head spinning, super-dancing, bossy bossy, most popular kid in junior kindergarten, no self-esteem issues, stunningly gorgeous third child is FIVE today.  Did you see that?  My third child is five!

She woke us up at 6:15am and said "Mommy, Daddy, do you have anything to say to me on this sunny day?"  We yanked her into bed and tickled her till she farted. You'd think no other kid had ever had a birthday the way we reacted.

When we calmed down she said "Okay. I'm gonna go wake up Kristyn and Erin so they can give me the cards they made after I went to bed."

I love this kid.

(Click on the photo above to see more photos of her skipping with Erin and one of me pregnant!)

I swear when I'm tired (and holy shit I'm a whiney bitch too)

Let's be honest. I swear all the time. I'm just less inhibited about it when I'm this tired.

Here's my newest addition to "Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Having Kids";

Don't plan or count on anything.

For you will have days which are logistical fucking nightmares.  Days where you actually have to draw charts to be sure that each kid has either a) a ride to where they are going and b) a responsible adult with them at all times. 

You will finally cement a plan for days like this and then all your good planning will be for shit by 6am the day of.  You will wake up to 3 sick kids.  Ha! I say wake up like I actually got any sleep last night, but yes, you get the point.

We are so far away from Plan B right now, we're in double letters. I believe it's Plan EE now.

When you have a sick kid (or kids), people say "Oh. Poor baby!"  Know what?  Poor me!  Once each one gets settled from all the insane coughing they sleep for 3 hours.  I go in, take care of said child with medicine, cool cloths and love and get that child to sleep.  I tiptoe out of the room only to be greeted by the next sick child who is throwing up all over my feet (feet that were just peed on by a barely standing up 3 year old.)

My problem is that I think I can do it all myself until I get so pissed off that I yell out "Hey asshole! Wake up and do something."   John really does sleep sound enough that he is clueless.  No one wants to be roused by a bitchy wife with a serious case of martyrdom.

No sleep. Stress. Worry. Headaches. Neckaches. Beer (for me). Motrin (for the kids). Benadryl (for me). Steroid inhalers (for the kids). Pretty In Pink at 3am (for me and anyone who is with me). That's my week so far.

Hope yours is better!

Sing the last part to the tune of "The House That Jack Built"

I think Alex is trying to kill me one small coronary at a time.

He had another seizure yesterday.

I know these seizures are fever related, his was 104.8 yesterday in the hospital, and they are "no big deal".  I know that.  Seeing your kid turn blue and seize is still fucking scary no matter why he is having them.  Knowing what you know about febrile seizures doesn't make a lick of difference when you look at him and wonder if this is the last time you will look at him.

So a word to the doctor on call yesterday.  Never pat a Mom who's son has just done this on the back and say "No big deal, right Mom? We're fine!"

The trail of this one goes like this;  He has one hell of a cough, which caused the pneumonia, which caused the fever, which caused the seizure that made Mommy freak out and fall into a ball of tears in bed last night!

Anyone wanna do shots with me tonight?

Did they really just knock NKOTB and Johnny Castle?

I was reading a web clip titled "The Top 11 Worst Songs Of All Time".

Because you're dying to know:

1. "Ice Ice Baby" - Vanilla Ice;  Yeah, I agree. To this day I can't listen to "Under Pressure" without a flashback of some Drakkar Noir wearing Dexter feeling me up at an Immaculata High School dance.
2. "Invisible" - Clay Aiken;  I have never heard Clay Aiken sing.  I know more about the speculation on his sexuality than I do his vocal capacity.
3. "She Bangs" - William Hung;  WTF?  Aren't we just perpetuating it by admitting this was ever an actual "song"?  I don't care if it was played on the radio. Roseanne singing the American Anthem was played on the radio here in Canada for a few weeks and we've all forgotten. Move on.
4. "Who Let The Dogs Out" - Baha Men;  I would agree here, but hearing Alex sing this song whenever he sees a dog is too cute to do that.
5. "I'm Too Sexy" - Right Said Fred;  Yes. Yes. Yes!  It's about time someone come down on these guys for giving John something to sing as he strips for me in a way he thinks I find sexy. He's so wrong.
6. "She's Like The Wind" - Patrick Swayze; Oh no they DIDN'T!  I'm sorry, but I wholeheartedly disagree. At te tender age of 12 Patrick Swayze showed me what real love was about. Thanks to him I will never let anyone put me in a corner. I'm crying now.
7. "My Humps" - BEP;  Enh. Nice beat, clever lyrics.  I'm thinking a song that refers to the junk in my trunk can't be all that bad.
8. "Hangin' Tough" - NKOTB;  Uh no. Sorry. Pop music achieved unmatched greatness when they hit the stage. It's a scientific fact.
9. "I would do anything for love (but I won't do that...) - Meatloaf;  In a comment on Mrs Fortune's blog, Mom 101 asked what "That" was.  I'm with her.
10. "Barbie Girl" - Aqua;  Do you have a daughter aged 7-9? Then yes. You agree.
11. "Don't Worry Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin;  I was IN LOVE with this song in Grade 7. I had the t-shirt, the tape, a poster.  I also drank a lot of vanilla extract because I heard it would get me drunk.

Not including this list - what is the worst song of all time in your opinion?

I've been up since 6am blowing up balloons

Can you think of anything more sad (sadder?) than an almost five year old who has been talking about nothing else but her Princess Party being up almost the whole night before said Princess Party?

I'm pretty sure it's time to face that Meghan has the same reactive airways that her older sister does. Most likely allergy induced, like her sister.  She coughs and coughs and she's not able to catch her breath. That, my internet friends, is freaking scary. What finally got her to sleep was a big puff from the small amount of puffs left from when this happened in March. Or was it April? February?  So yes, see? A lot of coughing for poor Meghan.

She refuses to even entertain not having a party.  "I've waited so long for this day."  The show shall go on.  So, at 4am, while watching "10 Things I Hate About You",  I stuffed loot bags while she talked and coughed non-stop (both, equally).

I get it. I really do, but ...

News travels fast. 

Seems Britney's baby has suffered another near-death horrible mishap.

Okay, Britney is not my favourite person in the world. I don't think she's attractive, I don't think she is a great dancer and I don't like her music. Plus, she is constantly seen in those ridiculous strapless mumus. Not flattering.

Having said that, I want to throw up my hands and say "Geez!"

There are no perfect parents. In fact, there are a lot of really stupid parents out there.  Yes, she has made some bonehead decisions; (I hope she is now abiding by law and has Sean P in a rear facing car seat as he should be.)  But really, how many times have you made a really dumb parenting move?  The only difference is that no one is following you around with a camera.

Some of my own "Thank God no cameras were on me" moments are:

• Going through a doorway and knocking baby's head on the door frame. (I've done this one at least 5 times each kid).
• Walking away from the change table at 3am and turning around to see Meghan's newborn butt hanging over the table. She had rolled over and was hanging off.
• Falling asleep in a nursing chair and having the baby roll out of my arms.
• This one is John's - we used to put a heating pad down on the bassinette to make the bed warm. We'd take it off just before putting the baby down. Once he didn't take the heating pad off, he just put Meghan in it.
• Putting baby into the infant car seat, stopping to tie another kid's shoes and then driving of without buckling the baby in.
• Leaving an entire sample bottle of Infant's Tylenol in the diaper bag and Erin drinking it. The nurse at poison control said that happens a lot when parents go in for immunizations, get the sample bottle, drop it in and forget about it.

I'm not saying Britney's stupid parenting tricks should be forgotten or all-forgiven, she has been a complete tit a few times (starting with fornicating with K-Fed).  I'm not saying we should celebrate her as a Mom. I'm just saying lighten up! Even  I've stumbled holding a baby and a beer before.

So what's your stupidest parenting trick? We've all got 'em. Share! Share!