I originally started this post on December 7. That's what the draft said when I opened it today. So that's gotta tell you that the Holidays around here ... not always so hot on my relationship with the husband.
Some of you know my family very well. Some of you know John and I very well. I can think of two people in particular, because you lived with us. You were there when we met. You were there when we got married - almost ten years ago (holy fuck, eh?). So you will read this knowing that this is John. He said and did things like this when I met him and he still does. It still hurts, but hey, I'm not perfect. I am no peach to live with. In fact, I'm a downright loon some days.
Now, my problem with John and this time of year is also related to how he treats me at other holidays of the year. He blames it on money and what these holidays end up costing. He thinks I am shallow and only care about presents. That's not entirely true. I say entirely because I certainly would do not mind to waking up Christmas morning and finding a thoughtful and creative gift, no matter how small, waiting for me. I don't want something he ran out and threw into a Wal-Mart cart on Christmas Eve. I don't care what it cost or how practical it is.
We argued about this and he asked me to tell him what Christmas meant to me. I told him that alot of my best memories growing up revolved around Christmas. It was usually the only time I saw my Dad and his side of the family. We usually got the gifts we wanted. My Mom usually had time off work and spent most of it with us.
Christmas for him was very different. His family was always together (throughout the year I mean) and they bought each other items all year long. So, Christmas wasn't the big deal it was for us. His extended family was not very close. I remember Christmas with 30-40 of my first cousins running around completely crazy. He just remembers opening gifts that morning and going on with the day.
And so, slowly in our 9.5 years of marriage, Christmas has started to resemble the way he grew up. It's become less and less of an occasion. I get no help in preparing for it. I'm left to put up lights by myself and the kids and I do the tree. He makes fun of me for enjoying these things and considering them a priority.
It's not like he runs around bah-humbing everyone. He eventually does get into it with a good deal of gusto - but I do it sooner and my feelings are hurt when he makes fun of my enjoyment of the season. I feel simple and small.
This year, in an effort to "turn over a new leaf" (his words, not mine) he went overboard. He made a really crass and rude remark Christmas morning when I opened my gifts and continued throughout the day. The gifts were too much and some of them are going back. The most thoughtful gift he gave me, the one I love the most is a $3 item that I have used constantly since (no, it's not a vibrator).
But here's the underlying part. The part that leaves me feeling unsettled. I wonder, and I wonder alot, how much of this is what I consider a continuing argument about who is "better" in this marriage. He's never said it, but on some level, I think he thinks he is better than me. By virtue, he is more patient, rational, less impulsive, optimistic and generally more calm. I am the exact opposite. I have no patience, am often moody, impulsive, cynical and on edge.
Since our marriage began he has been on a quest to create a successful business from scratch. He has done that and I know he feels satisfied and proud, as he should. Rather, I've been raising the kids and keeping house. I don't think I will get much credit for any amount of work I've done for the business. That argument has been had. He's done it all and he won't relent on that. He was the idea man. I just executed like 50% of it.
You often come up with the perfect comeback after an argument and right now I wonder why I didn't say to him last Friday "Sure. And I'll put a big red bow on each of these four kids." But that would be petty and small - so we need to talk about it. He thinks I am being emotional and oversensitive and we don't get very far, but at least he knows how I feel.
And so this ... thing ... is like 4% of our marriage, which overall is excellent. But it's there and it's us and we deal with it. It reminds me that marriage is not perfect and when it's not all bottles of wine and babymaking it can suck, but that doesn't mean you get up and leave. I didn't have alot of positive example of marriage growing up, so I'm kinda winging it. That's scary, but cool. He's still the guy I think about when I hear goofy songs on the radio and still the one I want to spend most of my time with. He's also still the person that can hurt me the most, but I think it would be scarier if I didn't care so much what the thinks.
