The Big Glee In NYC Weekend was this past weekend.
I'm going to need several posts to bring you up to speed. One for New York City itself. One for Glee itself. One for the food we ate, cause people, the food? Delicious doesn't even cut it. Food hasn't tasted the same in Canada and we have poutine here, so that says a lot!
But first, I have to write a post I started formulating at about 8:29am on Friday morning. You see, Christina picked me up at 6:45am with Jaime pinging with excitement in the passenger seat. From here we ventured to Barrhaven to down a few shots of Bailey's and then start the long trek down toward the city that never sleeps.
Have you experienced a long car ride with four giddy thirty-somethings with the mindsets of teenagers as horny as those on their way to a Justin Bieber show? We were all about the innuendo and misconstruing everything that came out of our mouths.
Which is why I suggested we have a book on hand to record these little nuggets. You see, when I lived in residence our floor had a big board that we could write such things on. This wall was frequently visited and oft made readers laugh their asses off.
Lucky you, I decided to share some of the best ones from this trip.
For clarification, our cast of characters include myself, CH; Lianne, LEW; Jaime, JT; and Christina, CBH.
CH: "Lianne is chewing on her Starbucks Plug." (The little doohickey Starbucks designed to put in your cup hole so that you don't spill coffee all over yourself as you walk to your car. Ingenious really.)
JT: "Lianne and Chantal, you guys are sleeping on a blow up bed." And you know, this isn't that funny, until you see the hand gesture Jaime does as she says "blow up bed". I will let you work that out in your head rather than show you the drawing Lianne did in the book.
LEW: "My son's hearing is in the normal range!"
CH: "WHAT!?" (In my defense, my ears popped as we hit the Catskills. In everyone elses defense, we may only have been in Brockville at this point.)
CBH: "Big Ass, Big Hair." (Said in a highly appropriate Rosie O'Donnell in Beautiful Girls type rant.
CBH: "Pull over and see if there is a bird in our grill!" We hit a bird. Did I need to explain that?
CH: "Pigeon is the redneck chicken." See above. We hit a pigeon in Utica and well, we saw some rednecks.
CBH: "I hope you don't mind me reaching between your legs to grab a piece." Lianne had Reese's Pieces between her legs, in a bag, from Bulk Barn. I just kept having to clarify there, didn't I?
LEW: "Utica smells like asparagus pee."
CH: "And is full of ugly people!" No offense intended to any Uticans here. We just happened to hit Wendy's at the wrong time.
CH (about a tollbooth clerk): "Is that a man or a woman?"
CBH: "No boobies. Definitely a man."
CH: "Good call!"
CBH: "Did you say big cock?"
CH: "No, I said good call!"
J: "It will be a while. We haven't even hit Florida yet."
All of us: "Florida?"
J: ''I mean YEW NORK!" From that point on, we were in Yew Nork no matter where we were.
CH: "Knights In White Satin is my horny song." (For the record, Lovers In A Dangerous Time is Christina's)
LEW: "You mean by Gino Vanelli?"
CH: "No, dummy, by The Moody Blues!"
LEW: "What Does Gina Vanelli sing?"
CH: "Wild Horses?"
LEW: "Wild Horses, White Satin. Same thing."
At Starbucks along the Interstate.
JH: "I'll have a Grande skinny vanilla skinny latte, please."
Barista (rather indignantly): "HAWT!?"
Jaime looks over at Christina begging for help.
CBH: "Do you want it H.O.T. Hot?"
JH: "Oh! I thought she was asking if I wanted a HAT."
CH: "If you look up 'redneck' in the phone book (phone book, really?), that's what you'd see!"
Along the streets of Brooklyn.
CH: "I just stepped in something EPIC."
I still don't know what it was. My foot was wet. There was something on my foot and my shoe, but there was no puddle. I think it fell from the sky or materialized magically just before it splatted all over me. It was disgusting and puzzling.
CBH: "I got bird on my grill and coon in my undercarriage!"
We hit LOTS of wildlife as we drove. Actually, it was while Christina was driving, not anyone else. I think she's got it in for them.
The best experience of words by far didn't even belong to us. It belonged to a girl on the streets of NYC, holding a cell phone to hear ear, wielding a very pregnant belly and a young child in a stroller.
She yelled into her cell phone "Watch yo fucking mouth! Your balls ain't black enough fo' me (expletive name). YO BALLS AIN'T BLACK ENOUGH."
I was stunned. I was sure this was street theater. Turns out it's just NYC at 1am!
Still to come, Glee, The Shopping and FOOD.