You're Not Cool Enough For This Ride

 

Carpool driving is some funny shit.

 

I don't know what I thought carpooling would be like. I suppose the only thought I ever gave to carpooling was the McDonald's commercial (or was it Subway?) where they are offering some sort of special early morning deal and the driver is
whispering into the little voicebox so as to not wake his passengers. I never got that part. Why doesn't he want to wake them? Is it so he can avoid buying them all coffee? Can he not afford the $4.00 it's going to cost him? If that's the case I daresay all
of his carpoolmates are not sleeping, they're pretending to sleep to pass the time until they can all convene around the water cooler and come up with ways to kick the cheap bastard out of carpool altogether. You know they're all going to end up driving
in the soccer mom's filthy, dog smelly minivan, but they don't care. Coffee for all!

 

Point being, besides craving a Sausage McMuffin, that commercial did little to foster me any sort of concrete ideas about what it would be like to share such a small space with two other people for two hours a day. 

 

I have to say, eight months in, carpool is comic gold.

 

I suppose the best recipe is to find people with whom you share a sense of humour. I can't imagine how the couple I drive with would fare with a stone-faced, perfectly serious A-Type personality. Thankfully for all involved, they ended up
with a potty-mouthed, way too cheerful for 6:30am, A-Type-when-it-suits hooligan. I say thankfully because they are exactly the same as me. Well, I wouldn't call the male third of our little trio "cheerful" so much as "tolerable, with a side of hilarious snark".

 

That and they handle the constant dinging and keyboard clicking from my Blackberry with grace and style.

 

One of the highlights of our morning includes the running commentary of the folks we encounter on the road. I never realized just how freaking weird people can be, and dude, I worked at a rural post office! It astounds me to no end what
people will do when they think no one is looking. So, it is the responsibility of whoever is not driving (and I never drive so I always get to play!) to provide commentary of who we see, where and what they are doing.

 

It's not unusal to hear something along the lines of:

 

"Check out the green Honda in the centre lane, license plate AWRL 926. Girl has on a sailor hat and is picking her nose with a fork!"

 

Or

 

"The man in the grey Hyundai is talking on the phone. I'd say, because it's illegal, we should tell the cop in front of him, but it's a Fisher Price phone, so I think it's safe to say he's got more to worry about than being distracted as
he drives."

 

Or

 

"Is that girl in the read minivan wearing a tinfoil hat?"

 

Or (and my personal favourite)

 

"Chantal, that guy in the truck is checking you out again, switch seats and clothes with Darryl and let's really mess him up!" It's like a Chinese Fire Drill, only no one exits the vehicle and way more people are inappropriately naked on
the highway. Mark my words, if things don't work out with John, I won't end up online dating, I'm going to meet my soulmate on the 417. He'll be wearing suspenders and carry a plastic pig with him wherever he goes, but at least he won't be lonely while I'm
at work, right?

 

This long-winded post is all to say that for a small fee every week, my morning and afternoon is filled with a good deal of hilarity, and I'm sure something I can focus on as I set out to write at least every work day. It shouldn't be hard.
I haven't even touched on the conversations they have while they think I am napping. Or the fact that little people make Kim so giddy we actually have to avoid a spot where we know one waits for the bus because she can't get through her day otherwise!