Every once in a while (let's say every three months or so, or when John's quarterly reports are due and we're both screaming from stress), I encourage my husband to leave me alone for an evening. I pour and nice big drink and pop in Beautiful Girls. My all time favourite movie.
It's a flick about a group of high school friends in flux and I hugely attracted to flux. I don't know if it's because I constantly put myself there or if it's just my own bad luck, but I find I'm always thinking "When things calm down I'm going to ... "
We had that for a bit. Maybe a year or so after we moved here. I didn't have to work, so I didn't. John and I didn't have to worry about money, so we didn't fight about it. For a while, life was blissfully quiet and non-threatening.
What happened next is no secret. The shit hit the fan, I got a job, we decided to move and now we wait. Our house is for sale and being such a "unique property" it's not going to fly right off the market. That perfect buyer is out there somewhere. I just wish he/she would find his way here a bit faster. I want to move on. It's almost like this house is an ex I still have to live with. I am done with it/him and I want to get away as fast as I can, but I'm stuck. I have to stare at his face as I pay the hydro bill. Did that make sense?
I'm sorry. I told you that movie makes me drink.
The best line in the movie is "I just want something beautiful ..." to which Mo replies "We all want something beautiful ..."
And each and every time I hear that line I get up out of my bed (cause you have to watch this movie while in your jammies and covered by your favourite blanket) and walk to where my children sleep. That's beautiful. Right there.
And each and every time I watch this movie while alone John gets home just as I've fallen asleep and the movie has ended. He usually turns it off and I'm pretty sure looks at me just the same way I've looked at my kids.
That someone, even after I've bought too expensive yogourt, bitched at him about peeing on the seat, told him that there are days when I hate my life or asked him if he thinks I'm too fat, still looks at me and sees beauty? That's amazing and beautiful too.