Worth. Unedited. Raw.

It's no secret I've been a little lost lately.  I've been overwhelmed, over-emotional and over-tired.

I've told myself that my life is no different than anyone else's.  Everyone has a busy life. We all have trials. We all have to do it all, and make it look like we're doing it well. What makes me so special that the idea of getting up and doing it everyday can sometimes feel like so much to bear I'm breathless?

I rush out the door every day, breakfast and coffee in hand, leaving behind the only life I knew for eleven years. I leave the people I've missed the most in the last six months in the very capable hands of their father. (Who is, incidentally, one other person I've found myself missing like crazy.)  The transition has been very smooth for the most part.  We've had our kinks to iron out and I've taken on too much as usual, but overall, everyone has come out to this side with very few scars.

Except for me.

And I'll be honest.

I'm worried that in the nine hours I am gone most days, my family is going to realize they can live without me.  I've been their everything for so long that I've come to depend on it.  I'm not what I thought I would be when I grew up, but to these five people I was always exactly who they needed.

I know in my head that my feelings aren't logical or even fact based.  My children still weep when I leave and rejoice when I return. I am still the fixer of their problems and the removers of their hurt. I am still their appointment scheduler and nightmare chaser.

Still, at night, as I try to fall asleep, I try to reconcile what I'm missing. I try to make peace with the guilt I feel at enjoying work.  I try to plan how I will juggle it all the next day and promise myself to yell less, listen more and be more prepared.

As for their father.  I will say that there are worse things in the world than realizing you are still madly in love with the man you married almost twelve years ago.  So much so that it can make your head spin and your heart pound and you miss him so much that you rush home for lunch just to lay your eyes on him.  It's startling that even though one year ago you could have cared less if he noticed you had washed your shirt, on this day, you need him to tell you, down to the last detail exactly why he loves you, and how much, and the feeling you get when he sits down across from you and does just that, can keep you going.  It gets you up in the morning. It makes the lunches. It pays the bills. It drinks the wine while you watch another hockey game. It gets you to sleep.

It makes it all worth it.

They make it all worth it.

Comments

[Milanese Masala]

Greetings from Italy! I'm a working mom too and know how hard it is to spend all day away from your family. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. But I really enjoy my job and co-workers. And to be honest, I'd go crazy staying at home all day. As Mrs Garrett used to say, you take the good, you take the bad...
Looking forward to reading more.

[Tara]

Chantal, you rule so hard! I am so glad you are back in my life! I hope I can be half the mom you are! xoxox

[hw]

I think as kids grow you'll find that they may not need you in the same way, but they still need you. You'll never be disposable to your family. You just connect and become a family in a whole new way. That change, in and of itself, is scary. Hold in there.

[ali]

oh, you are so ridiculously awesome, woman. as a person, and a mom.

[Belinda]

I'm just going to say thank you for writing this right now. I needed to read it. Love you.

[Lucy]

I had these same fears when I returned to work this year. But you know what I found? That little bit of absense really does make those hearts grow fonder. You may worry that your kids and husband will realize that they can make do without you, but really, they are just struck with exactly what you managed to accomplish and how much they miss having you there. Enjoy those mini reunions every day and enjoy your work outside the home without guilt. You are providing a wonderful role model for your kids - that being successful is determined by your ambitions and goals. And I'm sure this job will help you to find a little piece of yourself that has been hiding under the mummy hat. Good luck, and keep us posted on your progress!

[karen]

can i tell you how much my heart broke reading this?
can i tell you how much my heart broke when i was the LAST parent to pick up their kid at day care today? ugh. this work/life balance stuff sucks.

[Josie]

Step out of my head please.
As a single mom with a kid going off to University - who waited till I got home at 8:30pm to do the acceptance online while I could watch - I feel your angst.
It sucks being a working mom and parent. But, you have an amazing relationship with your kids and no, they will never learn how to survive without you.

[alison]

Josie's right, the working parent thing comes with a whole boatload of angst. But no one can replace you in their lives, you're the Mom. You rule supreme in their lives. And, as Lucy said, you're being a role model for your girls. Hugs.

[chantal]

It is all worth it for sure. You are so lucky to have had the pleasure of staying home that 11 years.

[meanie]

seriously, do you want to get together sometime? what is in between ottawa and almonte? the book is yours!

[mamatulip]

This is such a tremendous post...it shows so much of you.

[Mrs. Schmitty]

It's hard to think they can manage with out us for a while. But they still NEED you. You can never be replaced...and it's not wrong to love working. It will all come together.

[Backpacking Dad]

To all of the working moms who feel this way:

God! We miss you. And we love you. And we're busy thinking of things to do all day so that it doesn't hurt so much that you aren't there. But we appreciate more than we can say that you are working to preserve this family, and sometimes we just want to know what else we can do to help; and if it turns out that all you need is to be kissed or held a little more today than yesterday, then that's exactly what we'll do. If it turns out that you need someone to haul in seven boxes from the trunk in one trip, well, we'll give that one a shot too.

Although that one might hurt a little.

[Nancy]

Being a working mom is so hard. But you do it with such grace and excellence. And I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this -- it helps to know I'm not alone.