My day is a roller coaster of moods and feelings. This life is one that brings with it intense highs and incredible lows. I find it hard to catch myself in between. Maybe the only time that is in between is when I'm sleeping?
I wake up, look outside and think; I'm so lucky to wake up to this beautiful scenery every morning. I'm high, ready to greet the day.
"Mommy, Alex just went poop and needs you to wipe his bum. And oh yeah, he peed on the floor." Christ, can I get a chance to wake up without having to clean someone else's crap?
I pour the coffee and revel in the sound of my favourite beverage hitting the cup. Take my first sip and all is forgiven to whatever woke me up and instantly threw me into being needed. A muffin would do nicely, but fuck, someone ate the last muffin? Do I need to start leaving notes that warn anyone who dares touch that muffin to think twice?
Alex walks in the room, so precocious and innocent looking. I'm so in love with this kid. "Can I play Gamecube now?" When I answer that no, he cannot play games just yet, he yells at me, tells me he doesn't like me and heads to his bed for the first time of the many this day will bring. Setting limits blows. Why am I the bad guy all the time?
It's a gorgeous day, we should head out somewhere. Run some errands, which for the longest time Erin thought were "Erins". That always makes me smile. I'll just clean the kitchen before we head out. A process that leads me into four rooms, cleaning furiously and swearing in two different languages. Throw in some laundry because I have no clean underwear. It's either wear the ones with holes, or my bathing suit. Why can't I keep it together like everyone else? It's just laundry. What's the big deal?
Call for the kids to please get their shoes on. For once, they listen. They're excited to go out and do something. Maybe we'll get Timbits. Get into the truck and they start arguing. Who has to tie Alex in? Who gets to play with the leftover Barbie head found under the seat? Just shut up and sit the fuck down so I can drive and not get us killed! Why do I bother? I yell, I feel bad, they feel bad.
While I drive, I remember that I have a soccer game that night. 90 minutes of peace. We're playing a really tough team. Shit, if we lose, it's all my fault. They won't ask me back next year. Why did I agree to play Masters? I don't belong there. Sure I do. Who cares? I get to drink beer afterward.
Preparing lunch later, the kids play outside and they're being adorable. I'm making a healthy lunch, full of fruit and vegetables. The kids will love this and three of them do. Except Meghan. Of course. What's wrong with being a bit agreeable and just trying? I said try it! Stop whining about it, I just want you to try it. Fine. Then don't eat! I know I'll end up making her a peanut butter and jam sandwich.
I love summer. I'm so fortunate that I can sit here and read while the kids swim. They want me to watch them. All four at once. They're calling my name, competing with each other and getting pissed off when I say "Okay go!" to anyone but them. One is so upset she gets out of the pool and refuses to get back in because I didn't want to watch her water dance. There is only one of me. Cut me some slack here! I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can!
While everyone is quiet, watching a movie, I decide now is a nice time to devote to my own personal hygeine. A shower sounds blissful. I'm not in there five seconds when someone comes in and opens the shower door! This one is fighting with that one. The other one wants to have pretzels. Give me a freaking break! I'm trying to shower here. Get lost you little buggers. Is this going to be my life forever? Never being truly alone? I can't even get naked and wash myself off without being needed.
By bedtime, I'm so grateful for the chance to just relax. Read blogs, write emails, reconnect. Some night John is demanding my attention too. He wants me to sit and watch TV, right next to him. Why can't I sit on the other couch and surf while I watch? I can still talk to you. Do we have to be on top of each other?
I lay in bed some nights and go over all of the lows in my head. I know it's not that bad, but I can usually pick up three of four times where I felt just a little bit hopeless and sad. I find it exhilerating, valuing and suffocating to be this needed by so many people. Their lives depend solely on my actions and reactions to their needs. That can really suck sometimes. Other times, I daresay even most times, it's just fine. It's what I signed up for. Still, part of me really likes that they all turn off at a certain hour of the day so I can stay up too late reading or daydreaming that I live alone and have a really glamorous life.