How to clean for a visit from an old friend

One of my oldest friends is coming over today.  She is young, childless and has an exciting job that sees her traveling all over the world. 

I've spent the whole morning cleaning.

Some of you might know what I mean when I say I'm not doing the usual kind of cleaning.  I'm not necessarily dusting and washing the floors.  I'm doing the kind of cleaning that leaves my house capable of making a statement about my life.

It has to be done just right, with a reasonable amount of thought and planning.  The clean versus messy ratio must be so that she sees that I am a busy Mom of four children, but that I am able to keep up to a certain degree.   The house can't be dirty, but it can be a bit untidy.  I don't want her to think we're filthy people who sloth around our home.  I also don't want her to think that I am so bored at home that all I do is clean all day.

Toys needs to be strategically placed to look like they were thrown haphazardly by a child at play.  They have to be toys in good condition, bright and colourful. The more education the better.  Brain Quest games, educational workbooks and wooden blocks are excellent.   Not naked Barbies that Alex has chewed the breasts off of or broken crayons shoved randomly into a broken down Fisher Price school bus.   These toys can be on the carpet, floor or counter,  these surface must be clean and swept.

Some dirty dishes on the counter are acceptable, but not the table.  It has to be known that I've taught my children excellent table manners and that they have brought their plates into the kitchen.   Said dirty dishes can be from the previous meal, but leave nothing reminiscent of the meal before that one.  No scalded pots in sight!   All artwork on the fridge should depict happy pictures of "Mommy in the sunshine" or "Mommy on a swing".  No "Satan Claus" or "This is how I feel when my bum is itchy."

In the bathroom, there can never be a cardboard toilet paper roll sitting empty anywhere near the toilet.  No toothpaste in the sink.  Fluffy kid coloured towels on the racks must be clean and not smell musty or like someones butt.

The beds in the kids room should be made, but they can feel free to throw even more educational toys on them.   Better yet, books.  Lots of books.  Because I read to you last night.  I did not say "Can we read in the morning?  The beer Mommy drank is making her tired."

There can be no small pieces of paper crap or dirty underwear in the hall.  The hall should be perfectly clear of any gross debris, but again, toys are okay.

The master bedroom must be a kid free oasis.  Fluffy pillows on a perfectly made bed with a clean duvet (no jam streaks or puke stains).   It should be clear that I am still a woman who enjoys sleeping with her husband in an adult environment.  I do not fall asleep most nights with the remote in hand next to a Buzz Lightyear action figure.  There is not a Strawberry Shortcake sticker on my ass, but a pair of sexy La Senza thongs.

What kind of fucked up message am I trying to send?  Happy. Happy damn-it, happy!  She's one of those friends that makes me feel like she feels sorry for me.  As though she's thinking I traded in some sort of exciting adventure to be a lazy Mom.  I'm the friend who gave up so much potential to dredge the Mom set forever.  Married to a guy who stares out the window at his cannon and sighs blissfully.  One of those friends that I find myself defending my life to.  I'm always telling myself that she'll see soon enough.  She'll have kids of her own and how fun and hard it is.  She'll have a house like this.

So the goal is to have a house that explains my perfect mix of childish exasperation and domestic bliss.   I don't know why I felt the need to write it down except that it gives you just one more window into how my mind works.  Strange, eh?

Comments

[mamatulip]

My mind works the same way.

[lena]

Oh my god Chantal. I am LOVING this post. It is so ME TOO! I actually pull my bath rack out that I NEVER USE and lay it across the bath with a loofah and a candle. WHY?

Too funny.

I also have a glamorous friend I used to model with and I keep telling myself that her kick ass place in the city and all her money are no match for my suburban bliss. Mmm-hm.

[liss76]

Oh God. Me too.

I do this stuff. I even have "special" towels that get put out for this sort of thing or for overnight guests that never EVER tough the bums of anyone who lives in this house. I live with three males.. there is a very good reason for this. ;oP

"Can we read in the morning? The beer Mommy drank is making her tired."

Kills me. LOL

[lyns]

just so long as you don't go psycho like in sleeping with the enemey!!! I totally understand and can relate to all you are saying... at the end of the day..i can say that this adventure of rasing kids and all the goes with it is so much more challenging and exciting than travelling all over the world...(been there done that..and probably will do it again!!) motherhood and all the goes with it...including cannon loving husbands...is one hell of an adventure...so I hope you sleep well tonight with strawberry shortcake on your ass and buzz in your arms and know that you are one hell of a wife, mom, and friend!!!! xo lyns

[Kalisa]

I did the EXACT same thing last weekend when we had all of the family over for Charley's birthday. Too funny!

[Izzy]

I totally get it. I really do. Those piteous looks I get from working friends that "don't know how I can stay home all day" (and presumably do nothing but wipe butts and watch soaps, of course) are enough to make me do a cleaning job like you're doing.

"Fluffy kid coloured towels on the racks must be clean and not smell musty or like someones butt"

lololol...and this I REALLY get.

[Undercover Angel]

LOL! I do this all the time -whenever people are coming over. The kids laugh at me and ask me why I'm putting toys all over the house, and I tell them that if the house is too clean it won't look natural...

[Stuart]

"This is how I feel when my bum is itchy."

Still letting John put his art of the fridge I see...LOL

I don't understand why it's not okay for a house to look lived in...or the concept of tidying before the cleaning lady comes...but then again I'm 32 and un-married so my opinion prolly doesn't count for much.

I found all the letters you sent me from HFX last night, as well as the postcards that Lianne sent when her and John were out there. Kinda made me feel warm inside...then I wondered if I'm the only guy in the world that keeps stuff like that. I probably am.

[jess]

I totally get it. You breeder.

[karen]

hilarious! i took the easy way out and simply eliminated all single, child-less friends!
www.meanoldmommy.blogspot.com

[Anna]

Oh, I'm holding my sides. Too true!

What will you do, when your perfect children get handprints all over her perfect-to-play-with-kids white designer ensemble? Or when the little guy dumps out the contents of her purse? :p

Bah! Ply her with liquor, she won't notice anything not quite right. Just remind John not to walk around in his underwear, and you'll be all set. :D

[Contrary]

That was absolutely the truest, funniest thing I ever read.

Now, am I the only one who ever arranged books and toys around a sleeping child so as to take a picture for the grandmother? Is that just me?

[Melissa @ Organized Chaos]

OMG I thought I was the only one that did this!

[test]

test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test

[Sarah]

I heard that one of Brain Quest's originators is creating an online DAILY newspaper for kids 8 to 10 in the US. The name is mydaily10.com. The website is under construction. They are supposed to be live in late November.
Sarah.

[Jay]

Well I know you don't do that when I come over! But oddly enough, I do that also.