Acceptance

Yesterday I had a meeting. A bonafide "business meeting". I wasn't someone's mother. Someone's wife. Someone's daughter.  For about 15 minutes I was just me, Chantal.  I had an opinion and it mattered and the other person was genuinely interested (and invested) in what I thought. How cool is that?

I've been a stay at home Mom since the summer of 1996 (even though Kristyn was not born until December).  That is also same month I got married and the month we began our pursuit of John's business dream.  He wanted to become totally self-sufficient and have a business that worked for him. It took a long time and it sucked alot, but he did it.  Actually, that's not true, WE, did it. We sacrificed a lot for the sake of getting where we are today.  We had our four children very young. We saved money, spent money and learned from mistakes. We bought houses and sold houses and adjusted to the change each new one brought with it.

So where are we today?

A great place.  Our youngest child is 3. We have a business that on many days can basically run itself. John works from home.  That in itself is a big deal.  It affords us some luxuries that are really advantageous to me.  The biggest of which is that we can switch gears a bit and focus on something I want to do.  I am at a point now where I can take some more time for myself and, dare I say it, consider my own career path.  At 30 years old, I am finally starting to think about my own career.  It gets me all giddy inside, the thought of doing something I find interesting and making money.

And so, before this meeting, of course one of the kids was sick and not able to go to school. My first "business meeting"  and it looked like I would either have to cancel or take her with me. Both so not cool.  In the end, we came up with a plan leaving Meghan in the very capable hands of her father.  She was not happy.  She was sick and she wanted Mommy.  For the first time in her life, Mommy just couldn't be there.  While she was crying about this, Erin came in the room and said "You're going out? Where are you going?"  She was on her way to school for chrissake! What did it matter where I was?  It didn't. The point, to her, was that I would not be home, waiting for her to come home.

A wide range of emotions went through my head.  Not least of which was wanting to yell out "Come on all of you! You've had me to yourselves for TEN YEARS! It's my turn.  Deal with it!"    Of course, this wasn't the first time I had left them but it almost seemed as though they knew that this time had the potential to have me away from them a whole lot more.  There is nothing wrong with that and I don't feel selfish for wanting to start my life at this stage of the game.  How I inpart on them that being away from them a little more, doing my thing, will make me a better Mom is beyond me.  I almost don't want to have to justify it to them.

This whole process makes me feel guilty, like I'm letting them down. Then I get angry that I feel that way.  I'm excited at this opportunity, but they have a hard time letting me leave.  Even if I'm just leaving for soccer at least two of them yell out "You're leaving!? Where are you going?". Like I belong to them.  Do you know how suffocating that feels?  I don't want memories of leaving them for an evening to include having to pry them off my legs and saying "Get back in the house!"  That's not fair to me and it's not fair to them.

I sure could use some words of wisdom I guess. I can tell you all about birthing babies, breastfeeding and childrearing. I can give you the rules of soccer and how to train for an upcoming race. I can tell you how to sneak vegetables into your kids food.  But fuck if I can tell you how to transition myself like this.

Comments

[Kristen]

Not sure if I have anything brilliant to offer - but that just as it took time to adjust to the mothering, it will take time to adjust back.

AND, taking time for yourself (i.e. engaging in your work) is one of the best things you can do for your kids IMO - showing them that as a caretaker, you are still a person and have needs and feelings too.

Not that you are going to be way less available - but that you have done your time and now you are backing out a little and finding a little place for yourself.

That model - of feeding your own soul - is good for everyone to learn.

Congrats.

[laura]

You're doing great. You have accomplished so much at a young age, and I am very, very impressed and proud of you. Now tell me how to sneak vegetables into my kid's food!

[mrsfortune]

I can't offer any valuable insight other than ... I'm almost 30 and am just having my first baby, so I think you're a leg up on me in many ways. And you learn as you go. That's the only thing I know for sure.

[Jen]

I went from Stay-At-Home Mom for seven years to Grad School Mom part time and then to divorcing my husband and suddenly being Sole Breadwinner Mom. And I think actually my transitionwas a little easier because I absolutely had no ambiguity: If I didn't go, we did not eat.

I think that is the key difference-- you are feeling guilty for making a reasonable choice to do something for yourself. And that is so normal, and I can relate so well.

Even now that I work at home full time? My kids do not get that when I tell them I am working, that I am *working.* They tell me on a regular basis how much they hate my laptop and accuse me of loving it more than I love them.

Again, because I have no choice in whether or not I work, that helps mitigate the guilt. But of course, I still feel it.

The only suggestion I have is to a) remember that a happy mom is a good mom and b) you owe this to YOURSELF, and actually to them. They need to see you modeling this for them. and c) fake it. Fake no ambiguity and no guilt. Just plaster a cheerful smile on your face and tell them over and over that they are fine.

They will get with the program. And even if they don't? They will still be A-Okay.

Okay, must go to the dentist now!

[Melessa]

I wish I had advice too, but I'm literally about a year behind you in all of this (youngest will soon turn 2, oldest born Dec. of '97). Maybe we will figure this out together.

[Amy]

Chantal, this is really exciting and awesome for you! I'm sure the transition is going to be difficult, but like the others said, just remember: a happy mom is a good mom. YOu have done an awesome job already and your kids are secure in the love you have for them. They will get with the progam soon enough.

[Kalisa]

You, my dear, are one of the strongest women I know and I know that you can do this. I have always been a woking parent (well for the past almost 3 years anyways) It isn't easy but they will adjust, as will you. Believe me. Once it's part of the routine, it will all be second nature. Congrats to you for making this leap. I'm proud of you!

[lyns]

I agree with everyone above..and they will adjust..and you will adjust...don't feel a minutes worth of guilt about any of it... Did John feel guilty when he started up about time away from the family??? Not to put anything on him...but think outside the "traditional" roles... and know that you are doing a great thing for you, your kids and your marriage!!! We have just discovered that the kids aren't as whinny and off the wall when I have been out of the house for a period of time each day... its been good for everyone...and everyone will soon love looking forward to you coming home instead of complaing that you are leaving...

I'll take tips of the veggies too!!! xo lyns

[el-e-e]

How exciting for you! Remember that your kids will also benefit by seeing you use your gifts and talents! It's an important lesson for them, for their futures. (Listen to me, all positive about working motherhood! Heh.)

You definitely deserve this. Go for it!

[Anna]

I feel your pain, because I can't even go to the bathroom longer than five minutes without cries of "Mooom! Mooom! Where are you?" and a search party coming out.
Don't feel guilty about the transition. They will adjust, and it will be good for everyone. Really. :)

[Cristina]

Yeah, it's really hard. Your post made me realize how hard it is on both sides of the work front. It's hard that my kids seem to love their teachers at preschool more than me. It would also be hard to pry them off me. They are independent because I'm not around during the week. Nobody ever told me that as soon as you get pregnant, the guilt starts coming from all angles. damned if you do and more damned if you don't. They'll adjust, you'll adjust, and it will be okay. It's especially okay for you to feel like screaming, "GIMME A BREAK! I NEED A LIFE!" Just do it quietly, in the bathroom, with your mouth muffled by a large towel. Personally I have found I'm a better mother when I work (I own my own business) than when I stayed at home (I nearly went insane and was mean all the time). I know that's just my personality but you can do this - working is easy compared to raising kids.

[Jenn]

This is an amazing post. I hope you don't mind I pointed it out on BlogHer. I just loved how honest you are!

[Belinda]

Hear, hear. Came over from BlogHer, and recognize you now from the blogrolls of friends...obviously, you should be on mine, too!

Thanks for just saying it. I can't help but feel that the more people who express feelings like this, the less "shocking" it will be that these feelings do exist...even to ourselves! My personal challenge is not taking it out on my husband. He's a handy target, and he's always just right. there.

[veronica]

Don't let guilt weary and destroy you. Do you want your daughters to have as an example a woman who pursued other goals in life and achieved other things? Of course you do. How will they know all that they can achieve if they don't see you striving for it too? You are not failing your kids. You are trying to succeed for them too.

And kids don't stay kids forever. Someday they will grow up and leave home. If you did nothing but focus on them until then, how lost would you feel then? Treasure the time you have with them, but remember they will need to leave that nest too.

[Angel]

You are, and have been, such a loving, giving mother to your kids. There is *nothing* wrong with wanting something for yourself as well. You didn't stop being Chantal just because you got married and had children. And someday, those kids are going to grow up and leave (or so I hear ::wink::).

It is SO totally time to take care of yourself too. It's a change for the kids (my son has to smother me with hugs and kisses every time I go to the gym). But they will adjust--and it's ok for them to realize they aren't always the center of your universe.

I'm so happy for you, starting something new :)